Mike Kelly

Deadliest Catch Interview:

Where are you from: Smallville, KS

What do you do for a living: Forensic Structural Engineer/ MC of American Storm/ Graphic Designer/ Clark Kent.

What is something interesting about you? I’m 100% responsible for Kim Kardashian’s new baby. Don’t believe me? Look up footage from her New Year’s Eve in Vegas. I’m 1) there and 2) definitely not convincing her that babies are bad. 1 + 1 = I’m fully responsible. You’re welcome, kid.

Name 4 things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. A FICO score in the mid 500’s.
2. Great smelling teeth.
3. An impressive spice rack.
4. Willingness to let me take her shoes off and individually crack her toes in public.

Name 3 things that attract the opposite sex to you:

1. My ability to climb SUVs.
2. My garage door opening skills.
3. The fact that I will always do bikini landscaping for the people I care for.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now: I envision myself running from coast-to-coast while a growing number of inspired fans run along side me, documenting my deeply painful sorrow for my beloved Jenny. Coaching gymnastics again is something I want to be a part of my life in the near future as well.

Being involved as a political force in my community is also extremely important to me, specifically in lobbying for much stricter punitive measures against shopping cart thieves. You see those things all over the side of the road and it just makes me mad. Some people are too lazy to carry a couple of bags of vegetables and now we all have to endure these dangerous four wheeled eyesores. My plan is to enact penalties for this heinous crime, Grand Theft Shopping Cart, to require a mandatory state minimum of 72 hours jail time, fines to the equivalent  of no less than 10x the wholesale purchase price of the cart and the criminal’s mugshot to be placed in the grocery store’s magazine rack.

Always remember: Cross the little yellow line, prepare to endure a life altering fine.